Lesson Time

I know you can't really see the wound, but you know what I mean

Handyman with an awesome steal

As I said in the last post, I was going to get a lesson from someone that I thought was a trained professional. I should have known that something was up when he said his name was Fozzie and on our first chairlift, he revealed he had only been in the boarding game for about a month. Regardless, I thought embarassing myself in front of someone that I barely knew would be somewhat less painful, and so carried on the 'lesson'. Amazingly I started out rather well and felt like I was actually improving rather than getting worse and worse like my usual high standard. Well I don't know how strict the vetting procedure for Airtours is, but this guy was just, rubbish! Honestly, I think my boarding tips would have got me much further up the winter sports coaching ladder than this joker! Seeing how rubbish he was made me feel a lot better about my own boarding and made me laugh cos he clearly thought this was an opening to spend some time avec une femme for once. I was ripping it at one point (I think I mean that as a good thing), and next thing I know someone appears in front of me, fallen arse over tit and I was heading straight for him. As my steering skills aren't quite as superior as the rest of my boarding repertoire, I smack right into this idiot and my shin went right into the side of his board, ouch. I look up and in a hazy blur, the perpetrator of my literal down fall was my 'instructor'. That most definitely called for the end of my lesson. A few days later I went out with our handyman and I was kicking ass! I didn't fall over or anything! Handyman even managed to grab one of the poles from the side of the piste and board down brandishing it in his hand as one of his off piste attempts went slightly wrong. I was clearly amused by this little stunt because next thing I know I'm going over the biggest patch of ice ever and although I tried to control myself, of course before I knew it my arse and the ice had a fight. This is true pain my friends. I managed to board down, but then by the time I got back home I had one cheek larger than the other and my cocsix was giving me proper jip. I can't even sit or bend down, sob sob, I need a bum cast like Forrest Gump. I want you all to appreciate your posteriors from now on, because I can not believe how everything you do is affected by your rump. I cough and my ass hurts, I sneeze and I wince, and I feel like my Grandma getting on and off the toilet. The graphic description was necessary there, I'll have you know.